


Camelot Unsolved

by Reynier, secace



Category: Arthurian Literature - Fandom, Arthurian Mythology
Genre: Buzzfeed Unsolved Format, Canon Asexual Character, Comedy, Crack, Gen, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26090119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reynier/pseuds/Reynier, https://archiveofourown.org/users/secace/pseuds/secace
Summary: Dinadan and Brunor investigate Camelot's most intriguing unsolved mysteries. First episode: what ever happened with Sir Gawain at the Green Chapel?
Relationships: Dinadan & Brunor
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	1. Episode 1: What Happened at the Green Chapel?

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the inaugural episode of _Camelot Unsolved!_

_Is that what we’re calling it?_

I— I thought it was a good name. Is it not a good name?

_It achieves its purpose._

We can change it?

_We don’t need to change it._

Alright. So, hi! My name is Brunor, although some people call me La Cote Mal Taillé.

_Because of your dreadful fashion sense, yes._

Because of my dreadful fashion sense. Here with me in the studio is my brother—

— _Sir Dinadan, at your service—_

—my brother Dinadan. We’re going to be taking a look at some of Camelot’s creepiest unsolved cases!

_“Unsolved.” I say Sir Gawain did it._

Sir Gawain can’t have done every single one of these things.

_He does an awful lot._

Okay, okay. Was that a dirty joke? I don’t want to know.

_For the sake of your innocence, let’s get started._

On Christmas day fourteen years ago, King Arthur’s dinner feast was interrupted by a mysterious knocking on the gates. All of the knights were at their places, and no one had alerted the king of an incoming rider. When the king signalled for the doors to be opened, a gargantuan knight rode into the hall. His armour and tabbardry were entirely green, although sources differ on whether his skin and horse were as well. 

_It was just the armour._

It— were you there?

_No, I just— I remember the second time this happened everyone was joking about how the second Green Knight had his shit together more than the first. Because he was all green._

Don’t tell people there was a second time!

_I mean, it was a lot less mysterious than the first. Everyone knew what happened. Sir Bredbeddle was my coworker for a while._

How many of these green guys are there?

_Green? Just two._

Just two.

_Yeah. But the beheading thing has happened at least five times._

Back on track. The Green Knight reportedly entered, reigned in his horse, and after mocking the knights assembled, challenged King Arthur to a game: cut off his head then and there, and the Green Knight would do the same to him a year later.

_You never want to be challenged to a game. That’s my ground rule, I’m— I’m saying games are bad. No games for Dinadan. Dinadan plays the games, he does not partake of the game soup._

Well, King Arthur didn’t want to partake of the game soup either, and after his wife stepped in, the only person who volunteered to get beheaded was the king’s nephew Sir Gawain.

_I love how you clarify who Sir Gawain is._

Maybe our audience hasn’t heard of him!

_God, I wish I lived in a world where I hadn’t heard of Sir Gawain._

He’s nice… he stood up for me when I first came to court.

_Only because Sir Kay was making fun of you._

No, because— no. It doesn’t matter. Let’s keep going. According to eyewitnesses, Sir Gawain took the axe from the Green Knight and cut off his head cleanly. But before those assembled could carry the body away, the beheaded knight grabbed his own head and got back onto his horse, telling Sir Gawain he would meet him in a year at the Green Chapel. 

_That’s pretty creepy, I will say._

It’s pretty creepy? It has the Dinadan stamp of approval?

_Well, I mean, let’s cover what happened. One. Knight shows up and insults the king. I love this so far; insulting kings is kind of my brand. Two. Sir Gawain is gonna get his head chopped off. I think this sounds awesome._

You’re so mean!

_I’m not mean, I’m cynical._

I can already tell you’re going to think everything we cover is Sir Gawain’s fault. 

_Yep!_

Well, this one genuinely isn’t! He’s the victim here! Just let me continue. 

_Alright._

Nearly a year later, Sir Gawain left Camelot to meet his fate. He was missing for a little over a month, and then returned all of a sudden a week after that Christmas. The only indications of what had happened to him were the scar on the back of his neck and the green belt at his waist. When asked how he had survived, all he said was that although he had succumbed to cowardice, he had been respectful and honest. 

_It would prove the last time that ever happened._

But— when people asked about the green belt, he told them that he had kissed another man’s wife and it was a mark of his shame. 

_I feel like— I feel like we need to paint a portrait of our protagonist here. We gotta really get into his psyche._

Well, this was fourteen years ago, he would have been really young. Like my age. Apparently he was pretty quiet and reserved.

_Brunor, as your older brother, I know you’ve been through a lot, but I’m very— very glad you haven’t participated in a beheading game._

Yet. I could have plans. 

_There’s still time! Time for your dreams to reach fruition._

Prior to the Green Chapel incident, there was only one major quest upon which Sir Gawain embarked. What happened exactly I’m not sure, because it was right at the beginning of the Round Table and there are no records of it, and also I’m too scared to ask anyone who was there, but the fact that no one talks about it does sound fishy to me. 

_Eh, it was probably just vaguely ignominious and no one wants to admit their hero had a rocky start._

You’re very blasé about this one, I would have thought you’d have theories.

_I have theories about the Green Chapel!_

Okay, okay, let me present the popular narrative first. According to nearly everyone I’ve asked about this, the conventional wisdom is that Sir Gawain survived the encounter with the help of a magic belt he had been given along the way. It seems he stayed for several days with a local lord and lady—

_And got a— a little raunchy._

Purportedly kissed the wife, yeah. And stole her belt. 

_This is why I don’t kiss anyone! It’s a slippery slope. It starts out with kissing and then you’re getting your clothes stolen the second you take them off._

Wise words from Sir Dinadan. Anyway, the belt carried a magic charge which protected him against the monstrous Green Knight.

_What do you think about this?_

Eh… I— I don’t feel like it holds up that much, you know? Like, if he stole the belt then wouldn’t he have mentioned that, since he confessed to his other sins?

_Yeah, you’re right._

It also doesn’t explain why the Green Knight showed up in the first place, or why he has the scar on the back of his neck. 

_The scar is the part of this I don’t get. I feel like I’m missing a piece in my theory._

Oh! Yeah— yeah, you said you had a theory. Go for it.

_Alright, I think this was take one of the Bredbeddle incident._

The— the Bredbeddle incident? Can you elucidate?

_Yes. The year is— actually, I don’t remember what the year is. The year is a year. Baby innocent sweet Dinadan has just arrived at court. Several Christmases have passed sans Green Knight with axe, and everyone is getting antsy. By everyone, I mean me, because no one would shut up about how three years ago, back in their day, Sir Gawain beheaded people on Christmas Day!_

So people have always been this psyched about the beheading thing?

_Yeah, they’re really into it._

Weird. Weird. I don’t get it, it sounds scary to me. 

_It was scary the first time, I think. After that it was annoying. Like Bredbeddle. He shows up to excited terror, Sir Gawain volunteers, yada yada yada, and then this time Bredbeddle came back to court with his wife after the whole shebang was done. And, I mean— ru— rumour is as rumour does, but everyone seemed pretty clear on the fact that Bredbeddle’s wife had had the hots for a certain non-supernatural green-clad knight, and it was all a matchmaking thing. Maybe went a bit beyond just the wife and Sir Gawain, though. Anyway, that’s my theory._

Wait, wait, wait, are you— are you suggesting— you think Sir Gawain slept with the Green Knight? The first time around?

_Slept with, had sex with, screwed, buggered, fucked, etcetera._

But the wife thing!

_Uh-huh._

I think you’re all caught up in the Sir Gawain you know. We— we’ve got to be objective here. Everyone said he was really reserved when he was younger.

_Okay, that’s fair._

So you think it was the Green Knight’s wife that he kissed?

_I mean— we’ve never heard of the Green Chapel, and people have been all over the countryside near the Inglewood for quests. They’ve never met anyone living there who wasn’t a little— a little more than normal. And if we’re already jumping off the supernatural cliff, then it stands to reason whatever lord he stayed with was at the very least connected to the Green Knight. And that’s why he has the scar, beca—_

Oh! Because it was a mini revenge!

_For the wife, yeah._

We’re really good at this. 

_What can I say, I’m deeply intelligent and you take after me._

Be humble for our audience!

_I’m always humble. I’m the humblest person alive._

Alright, I feel like we’ve cracked this one pretty good. Any parting comments?

_Don’t agree to cut off someone’s head in return for them cutting off yours! I feel— I feel like that should go without saying, but apparently it doesn’t._

No gaming for heads.

_No gaming for heads, Brunor. Wise words._


	2. Episode 2: The Murderous Chevalier Mal-Fet

_Well, no one murdered us for the first episode so I guess we’re doing another one. Just keep going till stabbing happens._

...Hi everyone welcome to episode two of Camelot Unsolved! I’m Brunor

_And I--_

And this is Dinadan today we are covering the case of the Chevalier Mal Fet let's get into it

_Why are you going so fast?_

I’m excited! This is a weird one! And I thought you were about to say something mean.

_What did you think I was--_

Let's get into it!

_Rude._

Six years ago, reports began to enter Logres of an unbeatable knight who wandered the wastelands. In June of that year a man named Helijn sent in the first official missive documenting this, but I’ve been told rumours were circulating dating back to April.

_You can’t trust Helijn, he’s a Gawain fanboy._

Noted. At any rate, he reported that a knight in all black with a blank shield had done combat with six of his knights and displayed almost inhuman feats of arms. All six knights were killed in combat, though they did not surrender.

_And he just wrote a letter about it?_

Well--

_“Hey, King Arthur, I saw a good knight, and I know you’re super into those so I thought--”_

(Laughing) It’s not-- there’s more--

_What poor knight is forced to run the “I saw someone stab a guy really good” tip line? And how do I apply?_

Are you done?

_Yeah, go ahead._

Thanks. Helijn then approached this strange knight and asked him what-- I guess what he was up to.

_“Hey, I notice you just killed six people. What’s up with that, bro?”_

Yeah, I guess. Reportedly, the knight said something about God, but it was hard to tell. Helijn describes his speech as “jumbled.” The only clear answer he got was when he asked this knight for a name. Which was...

_I couldn’t begin to guess._

… right. Le Chevalier Mal Fet. Which is French, for “The Ill-Made Knight,” uh, or the “Knight Who Trespasses,” or “The Ill-Starred Knight,” or--

_We get it, this guy’s a downer._

Every person who spoke French that I asked gave me a different answer.

_Because it’s a made-up language, yeah._

Anyway. Put a pin in that for when we get to the theories, I have a few more encounters to go over.

_Oh good, more victims. Carry on!_

Um, I’ll just run through these real quickly. A week after that message from Helijn arrived in court, there was another from a duchess named Lore, who heard screaming in the woods and followed it. There was a trail of blood and a dead wolf at the end of it, and a man there standing over it. She watched him kill several beasts from a distance, before he saw her and fled. She wrote in concern, after hearing of several other incidents, though there were no fatalities.

_Minus the wolves._

Well-- I mean yeah.

_May they rest in peace._

Soooo, reports just keep coming in-- Drian the Gay two weeks later, Guinier wife of Caradoc the next week, Priamus three weeks after that--

_Can’t trust Priamus._

O-- oh?

_Gawain-aligned._

Okay, moving on. The point is, there were a lot of reports and gossip, which varied from mass homicide and seemingly inhuman feats to-- just a weird encounter with a sad man.

_Why did people send in reports about that? I have a weird encounter with a sad man every time I see Lancelot and I don’t write a letter about it._

I-- I assume that part was gossip. This is second-hand, remember, I was eleven at the time.

_That’s embarrassing._

Being eleven?

_Yeah._

Right. Anyway, after a year reports stopped abruptly, with nothing to be heard again. So with that, let’s get into the theories.

_Great. I propose Gawain._

He was-- right, I actually prepared for this because I knew you would bring it up. He has an alibi for over half of the incidents reported. In fact-- this is the, the ace up my sleeve, on the same day as Helijn saw the Chevalier Mal Fet, Gawain was at a tournament three hundred miles away-- a tournament you were also at!

_He used magic to make a copy of himself._

…

The first theory is that this was the work of Morgan Le Fey, as part of a larger scheme that never came to fruition. Or, perhaps, is yet to.

_Ooh, spooky. But not her style_.

Not her style?

_Nope. Not flashy enough, not fun. Plus, a lot of collateral. What’s the final kill count again?_

Oh, 127. No women or children.

_Interesting. Not her style._

Right, moving on.

The next theory is that this is related to Merlin, who mysteriously disappeared a decade before.

_Not_ enough _collateral to be Merlin. Plus, he sucks, let’s move on._

Right-- we might get into the disappearance of Merlin later on, so I’ll table it. The next theory-- oh boy. You aren’t going to like it. The next theory is that the Chevalier Mal Fet was the vengeful spirit of Malegaunt, and Gawain suggested it to me when I asked him to translate Chevalier Mal Fet--

_What the fuck._

Mordred said he spoke French. He was nice.

_Yeah, that’s part of his evil power. Whatever, let’s hear Gawain’s dumb theory._

That’s basically it, but it sounded very convincing when he said it.

_I bet._

It makes some sense if you presuppose that ghosts are real, and Gawain said he saw one once. I mean, Malegaunt would want to kill people, right? And he’d be sad, about being dead? I think it’s something.

_Did Malegaunt even speak French?_

Um. Well let’s get into the last theory, which you will also not like-- you haven’t liked any of these.

_They’re all bad!_

The last theory is mostly based on circumstantial evidence, but Sir Lancelot was absent from court during the time Chevalier Mal Fet was active.

_He’s usually gone from court. He’s gone from court right now_.

Right. Well, he is very skilled, and some people have theorized--

_Who exactly has theorized, Brunor?_

…. Me. This is my theory.

_Because you hate Lancelot._

Because he murdered a member of our family, yes.

_Uh-huh. Whatever. Continue._

Because I am very balanced and fair-- stop laughing-- I will say that Lancelot was away for quite a bit longer than Mal Fet was active.

_Almost like it’s a coincidence or something._

Oh, so you think the Malegaunt Ghost Theory is better?

_I hate to say it._

Because ghosts aren’t real and Gawain is wrong about everything. _ _  
_ _  
  


_But it is in fact the-- least dumb thing we’ve-- I can’t believe I’m saying this. It is literally the only one to address the name, I have to give credit where it’s due. Cannot believe this._

Neither can I. Are you alright? _ _  
_ _  
  


_I don’t--_

Next time on Camelot Unsolved we cover the case of my brother being replaced by a lookalike.

____  
  
  


_Yeah, alright._

Are we done?

_Yeah. Ghost knight is real, I guess._


End file.
